Copyright © 1999 Walt Zientek
(Telephone rings at 11:30 PM.)
Breeder: (Sleepily) Hello?
Everyman: Hi. I'm calling about lab pups and someone said that you are the best
Breeder: Er, well thanks, I guess, but I'm not a "professional" breeder. I'm a hobbyist
Everyman: I see! Not good enough?
Breeder: No, that's not it at all. Breeding is an art, not a busin...
Everyman: I get it, slow market, huh? Supply and demand?
Breeder: (Patiently) No, not at all. I have a long waiting list and...
Everyman: Waiting list? How the heck long is this list? Christmas is coming and I want
Breeder: (Still patient) Please be patient with me for a moment while I explain a few
Everyman: Huh? Sorry, I was getting something. (Loud 'snap' of a pop-top) Gulp. Ah!
Breeder: Well sir, labs come in three colors: black, yellow and chocolate.
Everyman: So you don't have blonde? What about white or silver?
Breeder: You see sir, those are just descriptive names for various shades of the three
Everyman: So how much are you charging?
Breeder: Well sir, when someone has passed our buyer's screening criteria, it depends
Everyman: Your what? Hey, I ain't looking to get into Med school here or become the
Breeder: Well sir, all reputable breeders do everything to ensure puppy placement in
Everyman: A what-neuter agreement? Nobody takes the jewels off the boys around
Breeder: But sir, (Exasperated) with the number of dogs abandoned to shelters and
Everyman: Hey, are your dogs registered with the ACK?
Breeder: All litters are registered with the AKC. You, if approved, would be allowed a
Everyman: Which means?
Breeder: Basically, that you could not breed your dog and register pups from that
Everyman: Whoa Lady!! You mean to say that I fork over a couple hundred big ones
Breeder: (Very exasperated) Yes sir. But the reasons for that are...
Everyman: Listen lady, if I go down to the mall off of I99 and drop in to the Puppy
Breeder: (Angrily) Yes! But then you would be supporting puppymills and horrible,
Everyman: Lady, you don't have a dog ready for Christmas, you screen my application,
Breeder: Advertise? I don't advertise! I only sell through referrals and reputation! Sir.
Everyman: Well. there is just one more thing.
Breeder: What might that be, sir?
Everyman: What exit off I99 is the mall?
Last modified: 8-19-2000
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