Basic Dog Rules

Author unknown


Newspapers:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always
use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that
purpose.

Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room,
barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down
on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your
concern.

Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your
owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially
late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more
secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the
night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

Licking:
Always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking
your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human
a towel.

Holes:
Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your
human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If
you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll
think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive
daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog
to sleep.

The Art of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog,
to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so
you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to
practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house
as possible.

Going for Walks:
Rules of the road - when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never
go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans
have gone to bed.

Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed
to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats:
When chasing cats, make sure you never - quite - catch them. It spoils all
the fun.

Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry... eat a shoe.


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Last modified: 1-1-2000

Nate Sarbin <nate@sarbin.com>